Do you even like Lemonade?

Belief systems about the phrase, “When life hands you lemons, make lemonade” vary. Some people reference the idea of making something sour into something sweet. Some people reference the idea of making something bigger out of something smaller. There are references of turning bad luck into good luck, undesirable to desirable, and so on and on. As I recently consider this phrase due to lots of people around me lately being in bad situations, such as loss of a job and divorce I discovered that I don’t really like this phrase at all. Let’s be real. The last phrase that anyone wants to hear while they are going through a rough period of life is that they can make it better. Is it true that they can make it better for themselves, sure. Does that mean that they need to hear that in a moment of sadness? Nope. I think people say this just because they don’t know what else to say. It is easier to try to rush people to feel better about the situation vs sitting with them in their grief. Any type of loss can be a grief, as it depends on the person and how they deal with the loss. I have grieved the loss of long friendships (not dead just don’t talk anymore), job changes (lay offs due to downsizing), and even the loss of seasons of my life. You don’t grieve just the loss of loved ones to death. Another reason why people often say this phrase is because it can be somewhat of an affirmation. Repeating positive words to yourself helps your brain to be trained toward giving yourself positive inner thoughts vs critical inner thoughts. Here is the thing about this phrase being a positive affirmation though: Do you even like lemonade? Do you view this phrase as positive or a reason to get up and change your circumstances? How you view this phrase makes a difference in how it may or may not help you flourish. While I have mostly picked on this phrase of making lemonade, there are so many phrases out here that can make you feel differently than it does other people. Here is what you have to understand. It is really about knowing yourself. A word or a phrase that may help one person, may not help another person. We are all different. This is why one coach may be amazing for one person but trash for someone else. This is why one person likes a certain type of food, but another doesn’t enjoy it all. Maybe you don’t feel like life is handing you lemons at all, because you like the sourness of lemons. The phrase doesn’t hold the same meaning when you prefer the taste of a lemon over the idea of making it into lemonade. And while I am being very specific here, I hope that you can see the bigger message. Find other ways to sit with people in what they are going through. Some people don’t want a solution from you, they just want your presence, no matter how uncomfortable silence may be for you. Some people need alone time to process, and don’t want your words at all in that moment. Will you always get it right with others? Of course not. Can we normalize asking people what they think they need in the moment. And some people won’t know what they need at all. Oftentimes, those people just need someone that will listen to them vent without judgement. They need active non-judgmental listening. And that still isn’t your words. Your words often project you and what is going in internally with you verses what that person needs from you in that moment. Have you ever noticed that you often give the advice that you don’t actively take for yourself. Find different ways to deal with your own stuff. One way isn’t going to cut it. Build a toolbox of ways to help yourself. All of the trainings that I have ever done on mental health say that you need a plan for yourself. Some call it self-care, some call it an action plan, and others call it a behavioral health plan. All can have different meanings and reasons, but all are meant to give you more than one way to deal with a problem. The tools in the toolbox matter. And while we don’t always think that some of our tools work, the question we really need to be asking is if we are using the right tool for the problem at hand. We wouldn’t use a hammer when we really need wrench, right? So, why don’t we know ourselves enough to know what tools will help in specific emotional situations too? When I need to process an emotion, I know that I need to journal it out. When I am frustrated about something, I know that I need to talk it out with someone I trust. It can go on and on because there are so many emotions that I can attach to an action. We need a range of ways to deal with our range of emotions in this life. Do we have the power to overcome our personal obstacles, sure. Is that something that is believed widely? Nope. Oftentimes there are many ways to overcome obstacles that we face in this life. As individuals we don’t always see those choices on our own. This is why we choose coaches or therapists to help us get there. And sometimes we choose the wrong person to help us get there. Sometimes we need someone to help us get to a state where we can use a coach or therapist. This is where I feel like my services are of the most use. I like to be that person that stands in the gap between the feeling of knowing you need the help, but unsure of what to do next. Let me help you build your toolbox. Or maybe you have the tools, but not sure which ones to use with which emotions. Let’s figure it out together. Emotional awareness and well-being is a journey, not a destination. I walk this journey everyday. I have a coach and therapist for my journey, because I recognize that they both serve a different purpose for me. All of that is my emotional awareness. I write about it, because I know that others deal with it too. While we may often feel a lot, it doesn’t mean that those emotions need to stay with us and in our bodies. And how we manage our relationships with others carry significant emotions too. Others in our lives impact our emotions, sometimes unintentionally, and sometimes very intentionally. It is in the management of it all that matters. So don’t automatically hit people with a cliche phrase that you think will help, because it has helped you. Do your best, be careful with your words, and don’t be afraid of silent presence.