1,000 cuts
It is in the challenges that we can recognize the strength and the weakness, if we are willing to look in the mirror and ask the hard questions.
Recently one of my coworkers had to air out her “issues” with me with my supervisor. Honestly, it felt like a 1000 cuts and then being pushed into the salty ass ocean. This is where my emotional regulation was in overdrive. I knew in that moment showing emotion was just going to prove a stereotype of the angry black woman. I won’t give anyone that satisfaction. Period. The reality is that I was unprepared for my coworker to bring a list of my shortcomings (from her perspective) and lay them all out in front of my supervisor (as though she was telling on me), and then just have to sit there and take it. It felt like 45 minutes of just non-stop criticism. As someone in a leadership role in my 9am to 5pm job I knew she needed to be heard. She needed to be understood. She needed to be seen. As her direct supervisor, I am glad she got the space to do it, as I never want anyone to fear me. Personally, it seriously impacted me though. I still feel it actually. I am not writing this for anyone to feel sympathy or empathy for me. I am actually writing for someone to know that if you are in leadership and have felt this way, I understand. You are not alone. I write to share my process with you on how I am getting through it. As someone that doesn’t like identifying as an empath, I am. I am deeply impacted when I feel like my character is being assassinated by anyone. Honestly, this is why I try to limit my time on social media. I know what drains me and what lifts me. And that is key. Knowledge of self is uber important. Being salty with this coworker doesn’t change anything or make anything better. The good part is that I had a supervisor in the room that supported me in that moment. She pushed back, asked clarifying questions, and even took some of the criticism off of me. I felt supported. Now, in the office, she also held me accountable. So after the 1000 cuts I was still reminded to look in the mirror, take my emotions out of it, look at the facts, and then give myself grace. It was true lesson that “preached,” as me and another colleague say. It took a friend and my husband to process it all, vent, and debrief to get to a point where I could at least be willing to look in the mirror and “pull the thread” on why I was so hurt and mad all at the same time. I had to sit with the feelings. I had to acknowledge that I was actually hurt. I had to shed a tear. I had to isolate to think. Once the combination of those things occurred, I had to determine how I was going to manage these feelings. This is doing the work. Management of the feelings is THE WORK! If I just held on to the anger, then it would come out in my work with my coworker. If I held on to the sadness I would call out of work and continue the isolation. Those actions don’t serve me or the situation. Asking myself what does serve me is the answer. I recognize that I needed to determine what parts of what my coworker said where truth. Recognize what parts I needed to throw away vs what parts I needed to self-evaluate. It had to be 3AM when I woke up and my mind was on self-evaluation mode. It was on creative mode. It was on fix my attitude mode. What I realized is that there were things that I needed to be accountable for when it comes to being a supervisor. I realized that despite the cuts, some of it was holding her to the standard of “me.” Which isn’t productive. I can’t expect “me” out of other people. I didn’t realize I was doing it until I was called out about it. Once I was able to see the facts without the emotion I knew I was on the right path. That didn’t make the path any easier to navigate. Now, I need a plan of action for how to get through the feelings, and deal with the facts. The facts are easier than the feelings. Implement change at work to increase communication so we can decrease confusion, and follow-up quicker. The feelings….this is where the coping skills kick in. This is also where this blog comes in, and where creativity helps to fix the attitude. My creative side helps me release the emotions. When I can write, sing, dance, experience art forms it helps me to release my emotions. Growing up through my trauma, the arts were a protective factor for me. I didn’t realize then, but they helped me be more resilient in all the crap that I went through. That and my friendships. Positive connections matter y’all. Of course there were more protective factors, but this post isn’t for that discussion. Now, that I realize that, I know that I need a creative medium to manage big emotions. Writing is a creative medium for me. Writing has and I hope always will be a coping skill for me. While it is hard for me to be vulnerable with others, there is a piece of healing in it for me.
This coaching journey is a journey that I walk with you in. I struggle too. We are all dealing with something in our lives that is impacting who we are and who we are becoming. Whether you are a leader of a team, or just dealing with your day to day life surviving, we need each other. We need a toolbox of ways to cope. We need to hear how we get through this life when it is hard. Know this….YOU ARE NOT ALONE!
