Existing, Living, Surviving, or Thriving?

The morher of one of my best friends from college wrote a book called “Existin Ain’t Livin”. Rest in Power to Brittnee Bruke. The title alone to this book always intrigued me because it made so much sense. We go through so much of life just existing. “Going through the motions” of day to day life experiences. Only existing in this life often coincides with not feeling. Mere existence rarely equates to living a full life, depending on who you ask. The question that has to be asked and answered is who gets to define what a full life looks like and feels like for you. While I am definitely going to tell you that only YOU can define what a full life looks and feels like for YOU; I also have to note, often that is hard to define when you believe that you are just existing in this life.

What does existing feel like? To answer this question, I had to ask myself, what is worse, surviving or existing. While this is subjective for every person, I do believe that your viewpoint on this depends on what side of the debate of nature vs nurture you’re on. My first inclination was to say that existing is worse than surviving until I thought about it more. As a person who feels a lot and often, the feelings I have associated with the idea of existing were all negative. Even as you read the first few sentences of this blog you can notice that I place judgement on the idea of existing. I counted it lower than surviving, because who ever answers a question of how are you doing with, “I’m existing.” But people do say, “I’m surviving.” And I have seen people say this with a smile on their face. So in my world, there wasn’t anything wrong with just surviving. The contexts in our life really do shape how we view life. Thus why we have to be open to new perspectives. Here’s the thing, as a black woman, saying that you are surviving with a smile is a loaded feeling. Loaded because internally there may be feelings of sadness or anger that are being hidden. Loaded because it is the perception of happiness that you want to give off for just surviving, when in reality, maybe you are existing, void of feeling because you have suppressed feelings so much in your life, you can’t feel anything anymore. Loaded because in reality, this idea of surviving and smiling came from a history of oppression that said don’t show them your “weaknesses.” Loaded because weakness has always been associated with showing true emotion, but in reality that is far from the truth. Sorry about the rabbit hole there, but I hope it helped to prove my point. I asked Gemini what feelings are associated with existing, and it couldn’t answer my question because it was such a subjective question per person, per life situation.

Now, here is the other perspective. Existing as a space of neutrality. When you start with surviving and get to existing it can feel like the place that you prefer to be. Is existing enough though? I think that depends on the person and their life experiences. Existing to me, feels like compartmentalization. It feels like working for someone else without fulfillment. It means one sided relationships with others. It means that you can get through the average day in life with or without issues, and still be good. When I define it in that way, I can see most of my life from the lens of existing. Compartmentalizing feelings and emotions related to past traumas, working for a paycheck not a purpose , and having lackluster investment in friendships and romantic relationships. To me, existin’ ain’t livin’. Let me be clear though. For those of you that get to existing and feel relief. I don’t want to take that feeling away from you. You deserve all that you are feeling now being out of survival mode. Some people don’t make it out of survival mode and you did, so that is to be celebrated. So for some, existing is living. And that is ok too.

For me, I strive to thrive. Living without struggling, living with love, and all the other emotions fully. Living with purpose and clarity of values. Making decisions in life based on those values. Being able to walk authentically in every situation, no masking, no chameleon shape-shifting to fit the environment. Building and maintaining relationships that are mutual and safe (in all aspects of the safety). This is not easy, but it is attainable. Life for everyone is going to feel different. No matter the space you are in, I hope that you at least acknowledge that space, or are aware that you are in that space. As a coach that helps people as they navigate through those different spaces I notice that all the spaces have their challenges, even thriving. The important part is defining where you are now, and getting to where you want to be in the next chapter of your life. I’d love to help you figure it out. Let’s have a conversation.