Suppression Is NOT Sustainable

Oftentimes there is a significant action that we automatically assign to an emotion. Take for instance, when someone has road rage. In my context of road rage, I mean when a driver starts to curse or get really upset at a fellow driver due to their perception of that driver’s lack or inability to drive. While most people see the cursing and yelling, and/or deciding to run someone off the road with your car as the emotion, it isn’t the emotion at all. It is the behavior that person has assigned to that emotion when they are driving. It is a choice to honk your horn, or yell out at someone else for how they are driving. Now, can this be learned behavior, absolutely. Still NOT the emotion though. Is the emotion the catalyst, sure. Is the behavior inevitable for when you feel that way, NOPE. Most of the time, it is how your brain has wired you to behave based on that emotion, thus how we get stuck in cycles of behavior that we find hard to explain and escape. We often associate emotions with actions, and this is why we have such a hard time with emotions. Emotions just are, they just exist. I like to say that they are teaching us something about ourselves. The behavior that we often choose to place with an emotion is often why we shun away from emotions and why being “emotional” gets a bad name. People associate being “emotional” with crying, and/or being extremely angry', and/or sometimes just being “too sensitive.” We see emotions in the extremes of life because so many people suppress emotion that when it does eventually come out of us, it is in the extreme. This is where the judgment of emotions comes into play. When you are watching someone talk about how someone acted. We often attach our perception of how they are feeling to it. When I teach Mental Health First Aid, we do an activity where people have to think of possible signs and symptoms and list them from A to Z. It is a really interesting exercise because every class I teach, the classmates give different types of words. Inevitably, someone in the class tries to use the word angry as a sign or symptom they can notice. Anger is an emotion. The signs and symptoms that most people associate with being angry are menacing facial expressions, yelling, or even pounding fists. [Side Bar: For the English professors in the room, yes, I do recognize the differences in the verb and noun of angry and anger, and this is where the confusion sets in for most people, and it is all in semantics, but that isn’t what this post is trying to get to the root of at this time.] I am trying to get people to understand that while we can make an emotion into a verb and then blame the emotion for our behavior, this is ultimately a terrible way to think about emotions, as it doesn’t serve us. If I cry when I am sad, and every time I suppress those tears, what is that doing to my body in the long run? Harming it. If I carry a belief that crying is weakness, and every time I cry when I am sad, I believe that I am now weak, what is that doing to my self-esteem? Harming it. If I try to not be sad, suppress sadness all the time, and choose to mask my sadness with a positive behavior, just to be positive, what is going to happen when I can’t suppress sadness any longer? Suppression is not a cure; it is a band-aid, and even band-aids will not work on an open full bleeding wound all the time. Sometimes you need gauze and tape because they don’t make band-aids that large. Suppression will serve us for only a reason or season in our lives, not a lifetime. Noticing the emotion for what it is: an emotion. Noticing the behavior that your brain has attached to it, so you can decide if you want to rewire your brain, or understand that the behavior you have attached to that particular emotion is serving you in this moment in your life. And you can do this with any emotions. Make a list of all of the emotions that you encounter often and would like to change for your life. Let me say this too: Consider the reason why you want to change the behavior that you attach to that emotion. Is it for you, or because someone else told you that it needs to change based on their thoughts and feelings that surround emotions? Just something to think about. So make a list of the emotions that you struggle with, and the behaviors that you attach to them. Here are a few examples of a list of emotions and behaviors that often get attached to them:

Fear - I run away/look away/avoid

Anger - I fight/I argue/I challenge

Sadness - I cry/I isolate/I hide

Happy - I get loud/drink/hang out with friends too long

With these examples, I am simply stating what I have noticed with others, what others have told me, or even some within myself. This example is not a judgement of what can occur when these emotions show up. It is an example of how they can often show up. And if you feel seen by this example, you have to ask yourself: are these behaviors that I want to change, or do they still serve me at this moment in my life? Fear has been an emotion that I have tried to avoid my whole life. I avoided fighting in middle school. I don’t like conflict, even now in life. I have spent time really examining this and whether it needed to change. Over time, I have gradually been able to step out and “do it afraid,” as a friend of mine once told me. I am much better now at facing my fears than I was, even 5 years ago. Remember that healing is a journey, NOT a destination. I don’t know how many times I have heard people say, “Why would I go to therapy? Talking ain’t gonna change nothing.” If you never tried, how do you know? It really is the simple things in life that keep the behaviors that we put with emotions in check. We are not “checking” the emotion. We are putting the behavior “in check.” Talking may not be the behavior you want to use to help you manage your emotions, but sometimes having a person who has no “dog in the fight” that you call on to talk about your life and ask you relevant questions helps you to rethink, reframe, and gain necessary perspective. So find yourself a therapist, a coach, a pastor, and/or a friend who actively listens, cause they may just be able to provide you with the perspective you need to make the hard choices that will ultimately change your life. One decision at a time.